The Eight Letter Word | Part 1

December 23, 2025 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

***Disclaimer: This story contains triggering subjects related to medical emergencies, hospitals, and anxiety. Please read at your own discretion***

I will be writing this down mainly to be able to cope with it. Sharing stories like this is not easy for me and I know for a fact that it is not easy for others to hear. I do hope that one day this story can reach the person that has lived something similar and is in need of some validation or comfort.

It started with a nice evening movie. Let me paint a picture for you…

My sister was visiting from Hawai’i and we decided to have a sleepover. This was supposed to be a nice time together. We picked a movie and some snacks while my husband was playing computer games. We got into our pajamas and settled in for the night after putting my daughter to bed.

Lilly had gone to bed at around 9 pm.

The living room was as normal as always. The lights were low, the temperature of the room was just right, the house smelled like popcorn, and Kona (our dog) was in her bed sleeping. Shortly after the movie started we heard a weird coughing noise coming from both my phone and down the hall in Lilly’s room.

This noise was not her normal coughing noises and it in fact sounded more like a very loud and drowning pleading cry.

Startled, I called got my husband’s attention and we headed to her room in a rush, only to find a very disheartening scene. Lilly was hollering in pain but there was not a single movement coming from her. The noise was there but it seemed as though she was not. We hurried over and picked her up, thinking she might be choking. When we did. She was barely making a noise anymore. She was LIMP. It all felt wrong. Very wrong.

Panic settled in and both of our eyes met with terror in them. Without even thinking about it, our reflexes found us doing infant CPR. While my sister was present in the room, I did not get a chance to warn her or tend to her fear. I only pushed her away yelling “ We are CNAs, and we know what I am doing, PLEASE call 911”.

If you have ever done CPR on anyone, then you know how horrible it actually is. All of a sudden time feels like its running away from you, and every thought you’ve ever had simply decides to take 10 years to come through. Most times I have done CPR on a person, it has been under ideal circumstances. Inside a hospital room, with the right equipment, and the best support team you can think of; nurses, respiratory therapists, doctors, CNAs, etc. It is almost a guarantee that the person in danger is going to make it. This situation felt like my daughter’s entire world was hanging on by a thread, and we were the ones holding the scissors. The level of responsibility of a parent became painfully present and heavy to bear.

The Police, the fire department, and the ambulance came fast. They examined our daughter quickly and asked us a million questions. Then they took her to the hospital with my husband riding in the front. At the hospital, they did any and all tests to make sure that she was fine. All results came back normal. We were sent home with little to no explanation as to why she had stopped breathing. After that whole experience we all made it home around 4am and decided to lay down and sleep for a little. My daughter and my husband slept on our big bed, and I accompanied my sister (who was still in shock) on the couch.

Everything was fine…until it he called my name a couple of hours later.

“DIANAAAAAA!!!!!”

Moving Six Times in Four Years

March 15, 2023 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is a fun story to tell now that we have found what will be our place for a while.

2018- Our first apartment as newlyweds was very nice! to be honest it was one of the easiest experiences we have had in the rental world. Looking back at the circumstances, I can see how it was so easy. We did not have kids, animals, or the great amount of bills that come from a more advanced marriage. Spencer and I came into our marriage with barely any debt and with great credit scores, making the transition to married life so much easier. This apartment had 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, it was remodeled with vaulted ceilings and in-unit washer and dryer. It really was a small little heaven. We had many first in that apartment. First fights, first time trying to diet after we had gained relationship weight, first Christmas together and our first pet! KONA!

We had a very nice year and a half before we were told that the city of Olympia was remodeling one of the state buildings and required all living establishments to raise their rent. Once we were aware of this change, we made the calculations and realized that it surpassed our income and how much we could afford in rent. We did what we thought best and we moved in with my mother-in-law while we looked for a place that would better fit our needs and capabilities. We were hoping to save some money too. Moving from what we had to a small room with a shared space was challenging. We had already accumulated so many things of our own and we had grown as a family, so we had to rent a storage unit.

2019- Living at mom’s house was very comforting. Mom has always been kind, supportive, loving, and helpful. During our stay with mom, many parts of our marriage and our personal friendship were tested. We had plenty of learning curves and trials that forced us to grow in unexpected ways. One of the best things that came from this period of moving was learning that I was pregnant and we were going to have a little one soon!

2020- Searching homes became our second job. As much as we had tried, we could never find something that fit our needs. We decided to look outside of our city and we were lucky to find something very small but well below our budget, which allowed us to save some money before Lilly would arrive. This place quickly turned into my personal hell as I was experiencing morning sickness and smell aversions. I couldn’t bear to smell anything that came from that apartment. Lilly was coming in a couple of months and we needed to move again to fit the needs of our growing family.

2020 TWO MONTHS LATER- Our very nice landlord was keeping an eye out for us and told us of a rental unit that she was going to have available soon; one that would fit our needs and our budget. We took that chance and ran with it! With the help of some friends and family, we made the move and set up our little home in this quaint basement apartment. We had so much more room and to be honest, it was amazing being able to not have to smell the other place. This time around we would be able to host family, have a nursery, and feel like we actually belonged somewhere.

This place was very hard to leave for a couple of reasons. First, we had so many memories that made that apartment our very best home. We had our daughter, we grew together in our marriage, we learned a lot about basement apartments and plumbing problems. Second, the price of the place for the amount of space and amenities we had was phenomenal, but no matter how much we loved it, we also were outgrowing it. Lilly had already started to walk and get into everything. Her space grew smaller and smaller with all the things that she was gifted. What if we wanted to expand our family? this was not the place any longer.

2022- After searching for months, our landlord pointed us top the direction of a newly remodel duplex that doubled the space we were living at then, and had private parking with an attached garage and plenty more amenities. Plus, it was above ground with a very large yard for Kona to enjoy. We were sold. Today as I write this a whole year later, I can only think of the many adventures we will have later on, but for now, this is our home and our safe heaven.

The Fourth Trimester – Part 2

January 22, 2022January 22, 2022 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

To say that things changed quickly is an understatement…

Over the couple of months following my therapy sessions, I started to feel better and more optimistic. I thought that everything was going back to normal. I was sure that the worst was over without remembering that there’s always the calm before a storm.

One night my husband and I found ourselves tucked in bed, deep in conversation about how real depression is. Shortly before falling asleep he made a harmless comment about PTSD that made an array of feelings that I didn’t recognize flood my entire body. I had flashbacks of not being able to see my baby when she was born, and all the many times she cried and I wasn’t able to feel the urge or the connection to her in the way that I wanted to. PTSD sounded correct, as if my brain was trying to tell me “YES! THAT’S IT! HELP ME!”

I had an anxiety/panic attack that night. The emotional pain felt so real!

The following day while at work, I had a moment of clarity. I was able to recognize that I was not feeling good and it was not safe for me to go home to my baby by myself. For my safety and hers. I knocked on my manager’s door and, with heavy tears, told her that I was having suicidal thoughts and needed help. It was hard to communicate my feelings, but thankfully she was able to pick up what I was trying to convey.

I walked to the emergency room with her and checked in. That’s where healing began. In the most unexpected place, at the most random time. I was terrified.

The next couple of hours were spent waiting for a mental health evaluation to decide if I needed the help that I claimed I was asking for. I imagine there are plenty of people that take advantage of these services for mundane alternate purposes. I was not that person. I felt crazy, unlike myself, foreign, disconnected, empty, hopeless. During the interview I was tempted to play off my actual raw feelings, but I didn’t. I am glad that I chose to spill out my entire heart.

The mental health counselor recommended me to a voluntary psychiatric unit to seek treatment. I was told I had been “sleepless for far too long and that it was causing my brain to develop alternate mental diseases that sprouted from my physical and emotional post-partum trauma. A mouthful, I know.

With a heavy heart, I volunteered to be admitted. I knew I was doing the right thing but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to see my family or my daughter for however long the psychiatrist deemed necessary. I was heartbroken and scared, but most of all I was just a little hopeful.

… and so it began, the most wonderful four days of my life.

My husband being the most supportive human in existance. He took great care of our daughter while i was away.

The Fourth Trimester – Part 1

October 17, 2021October 17, 2021 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My pregnancy was so very beautiful! I got to enjoy 30 amazing weeks with the love of my life, whom I got to meet after a couple of hours of labor. Having a NICU baby was scary and a little traumatic, but I will not lie to you and say that it was the scariest. My postpartum journey has been way worse.

In my blog, I have told the stories titled ER 1 and 2, where I make account of some of the most challenging things my body has gone through. In this blog post, I want to tell you a little bit about the strain in my mental health after Lilly got home.

PPD (postpartum depression) and PPA (postpartum anxiety) took over my life once I stepped inside my house with my “brand new babe”, fresh off the NICU. Suddenly I realized that not only had I brought a baby home, but also an I.V. Pole, replacement nasal tubes for feeding, a feeding pump, and more medical supplies that I can’t even recall.

It felt like I had stepped into an alternative dimension where I could no longer be happy, or where I could only see the worst in me. Did I do everything I could for Lilly while she was at the NICU? If so, why did she come home with half of the hospital with her? Did I ask all the right questions? Does Lilly know I’m her mom? Is it worth living if i can’t be the best for her?

I still don’t understand why PPD is such a taboo topic among women. It is such a common problem after giving birth.; a problem that has taken many lives in it’s path.

I knew something was wrong the moment my provider asked me if I was feeling depressed or down on myself during my 6 week check up. I wanted to be honest and say what I was actually feeling, but the thought of them thinking I was mentally unstable and unsafe for my baby prevented me from opening up. I shook my head and, with all the regret in my heart, said ” I’m doing good so far”.

A couple of weeks went by and the feelings and thoughts of not only hurting myself but also neglecting my child started to increase and got harder to “ignore”. Basic self care became tedious and keeping family relationships alive was almost impossible. I started having heavy graphic nightmares and second guess ANY motherly intuitions that would come my way. Slowly but surely I fell into what it seemed like a dark and dreary abyss. Somehow, this awful place felt comfortable as well, making it hard to leave. This went on for weeks…

My family and friends encouraged me to seek help and reminded me that seeking help does not mean I am weak. My best friend and her family were kind enough to help me get started by paying for 6 months of online therapy. Without this help, I don’T think I would have been able to get out of such a dark place. I am thankful for them.

Lilly was also growing fast and improving in her medical diagnosis.

I continued therapy for those 6 months and everything was finally looking up for me and my mental health.

NICU Week 11-14 The Last Mile

December 22, 2020December 22, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

To be honest with all of you, the last four weeks of this journey were long and very short at the same time. It felt like our world went on for eternities but somehow we would find ourselves near the end of it time and time again. Like a marathon.

Lilly was growing so fast! She was gaining weight and hitting those regular developmental milestones quite fast. This seem to worry the doctors more than please them. They were noticing that Lilly was beginning to outgrow the NICU but there was something holding her back.

Spencer and I could NOT have seen this coming even if we tried. We had the idea that for some reason the NICU was the place for her to be “fixed”, and we were so wrong. Lilly reminded everyone in her care team that the neonatal intensive care unit could also be just a part of your treatment and not the entire process.

After many tests and therapy sessions, she was diagnosed with dysphagia and would need special care whenever she needed to eat. Technically, dysphagia is the inability to swallow without chocking. This means that her “feeds” had to be thickened in order for her to be able to eat safely. That also meant that breastfeeding was out of the question since breastmilk is so thin; thinner than water.

I was devastated. I always intended to breastfeed, especially since I was lucky enought to be blessed with an amazing milk supply. Pumping became my new religion.

Lilly’s feeding tube was also a topic for conversation and brainstorming on the provider’s part. They knew that she would have to go home with suplemental feeding and that the NICU was not very fond of sending babies home with anything but a “G Tube”, which is a surgically placed tube straight to the belly. Now, there are lots of other ideas that preceded the long feared G Tube, but the NICU providers were not very hopeful.

With the help of our great Speech team, who advocated perfectly for our little one, the neonatologists came to the conclusion that she was a good candidate to be discharged with an NG tube as long as she was seen outpatient by the same speech pathologists. Luckly, my husband and I have enough experience with medical matters and we felt so very comfortable taking care of her at home.

Lilly was discharged Nov 5th with a feeding tube that she had to use for only two weeks after she got home. With the help of her amazing speech team, her GI team, and the sweat and tears of her parents, she no longer needed her feeding tube and she graduated from therapy!!!!

NICU/ICN Week 10

October 12, 2020October 17, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Oh the bittersweet week…

This week our sweet Lilly reached her due date. October 6th. A month ago, my husband and I thought that maybe our little baby girl would come home before this dreaded day.

When the day was getting close and she didn’t progress as fast as we wanted, we realized she would not be coming home yet. This realization was hard and heavy on our hearts. I was getting frustrated with “the system”. I was thinking maybe we were failing her.

They say that things get worse before they get better. Boy, are they right.

The ICN, as explained by the nurses, is a unit that is usually used as an overflow when they have too many babies to care for, and not enough space. When that census dropped, they decided to move those babies back to the NICU. This includes our little wiggle worm.

We packed our belongings and pushed her hospital crib all the way back to that long hallway. This time the room assigned to her is closer to the entrance so we don’t have to go through the dreaded hallway to get to her. It’s nice.

Lilly has progressed in her eating technique; she has mastered the mature suck. She is able to suck, swallow, and breathe in a coordinated matter. She has been taking half of her feeds and has also been more alert in the past week.

Breastfeeding has been tough since my breast have developed faster than she has, making it difficult for her to receive such a big supply so fast. I am working with Lactation nurses to help Lilly latch and learn to manage my fast letdown and ample amount of milk.

She is gaining weight as espected and getting cuter by the minute.

Besides all the good things, there are some others that have kept us from going home. The biggest reason has been Lilly’s nutrition and learning to eat WITHOUT having events (i.e. choking/ coughing, desating, bradicardic dips). She has been having some more than usual, and it’s kept us from moving forward. We just have to keep working on it!

Until next week, keep on moving.. even if its only one inch at a time. Progress is progress.

NICU/ICN Week 9

October 3, 2020October 3, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week we found out that our daughter had a low red blood cell count and needed some iron to help. This was kind of good news… here is what I mean by that.

Lilly has been very sleepy and lethargic. This makes it hard for her to actually work on feedings and learning how to eat like a newborn. In order for her to eat, she has to be awake/alert. Spencer and I were worried and communicated this to her doctors during rounds last week.

The doctors told us that it was very normal for her to be this sleepy given she was a preemie and “we are asking so much of them already” as the doctor put it. My motherly instinct told me that something else was happening and that we should ask again with more persistance.

The doctors decided to do a full blood panel and they found out that she had a low count which I believe came from me. I am anemic. Regardless, now we know what the problem is and how to fix it! Which brings me to our next achievement.

Lilly has been waking up a little bit more, enough to work on breastfeeding and bottle feeding! On Tuesday she tried breastfeeding and she was latched the entire time and she got milk! So she didn’t have to get any milk through her tube!

Today when Spencer and I arrived at her 11 am care, we found the nurse feeding her through the bottle and she was almost done! Spencer took over and Lilly and papi worked together and she finished her feed! her feeding has become a bit more mature and she is pacing herself. No events either!

We are making very small progress, but it is progress indeed. Lilly also has been gaining weight and she has grown in size! 6lbs 12.5oz of deliciousness! She almost looks like a newborn now and we are very much in love!!

To other parents with babies in the NICU: This week we also brought in some items that we had at home ready for her. A pillow to prevent flat head syndrome, her personal bibs, her boppy for nursing, and her receiving blankets to act as linens for her hospital crib. **YOU CAN MAKE THE NICU YOUR HOME AWAY FROM HOME ** This has helped us feel like home is wherever she is and not just a stationary place that seems so distant and unachieveable.

YOU GOT THIS! Its not easy, but then again, nothing that is worthwhile is easy to build or find.

Transitioning to the ICN-Week 8

September 26, 2020September 26, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyday before leaving for the night, Spencer and I would sing this song to Lilly…

” You are our sunshine, our only sunshine.
You make us happy, when skies are gray.
You’ll never know Lilly, how much we love you,
Please don’t take our sunshine away “

Then we would give her a kiss and head out with a heavy heart to our hotel room. At first this was sad and frustrating, but then it became comforting. We had a routine, some sort of structure. well… Lilly had different plans.

The nurse taking care of her a couple of days ago, called us to let us know that Lilly was considered stable enough to be transitioned over to the Intermediate Care Nursery. The what?! Believe me you when I tell you that I didn’t know either. I thought the NICU was the only thing this hospital offered. I am happy I was wrong.

Spencer and I rushed over in the morning to see our little bug and we got a tour of the unit where Lilly was going to be at. “This is the unit where we have the healthiest babies that are closer to going home” said our nurse. We were so very excited to hear those words. We helped the nurse pack the room and we brought her over to her new little corner!

Leaving her room in the NICU

This week she gained weight and hit the 6lbs mark! She also got longer at 46 cm and her long beautiful eyelashes are coming in. She looks like a doll. At the same time, Lilly is struggling with learning how to eat without any sort of events ( meaning she chokes on her milk and she desats and has bradycardia), which makes it a little bit hard for her to go home.

Sometimes it can be hurtful and discouraging when people ask us the dreaded questions “When is she coming home? is she home already? do you guys know when she will be coming home yet?”. As much as you think you want her to go home, believe us that we do even more. Our hearts ache when we walk in and see her there in her hospital crib just working so hard on the simplest of things, knowing full well that it might be a while before we get to snuggle her up in the comfort of our own home.

We are very thankful though, for everyone’s well wishes and the love and support we see everyday from people that have never even met our little one, but love us enough to love her too. We are beyond blessed for having you in our lives.

NICU Week 7

September 26, 2020September 26, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week was full of changes as well as the previous one. We were able to see Lilly’s development increase as she opens her eyes a little bit more and she starts cuing whenever its time to eat.

This week was also birthday week for this mom right here! Celebrating at the NICU was not at all my plan for this year, but then again, 2020 has had a mind of it’s own.

I got to spend the whole day with my baby girl and cuddle her up as much as I could! In the morning we had an amazing breastfeeding session which made me so happy! It was a wonderful gift from Lilly. Then my hubby surprised me with a visit from one of my best friends Samri! She flew all the way from Idaho to spend a couple of hours with me. She is an amazing photographer and we did an surprise photo shoot capturing that day. Spencer then took me to a nice steak dinner that evening and we had so much fun!

Lilly was introduced to her first bottle and she hated it at first, then tolerated it after. She is definitely a breastfeeding baby. We are still using the newborn diapers and working on a developing diaper rash. After speaking to her doctor and letting them know our concerns about her grunting and bearing down, her feeds now are breast milk only and we have left the fortification behind! This means that she is no longer super fussy and she can digest what she is eating a little bit better.

Next week we will be focusing on having steady vital signs and feeding. The nurses and pretty much anyone you meet at the NICU will tell you that learning to eat is the hardest part for any baby and their parents. Babies will be able to breathe, and regulate their temperature with a little help, but eating is something they have to figure out themselves. This means that they might pick it up quick or take a long while.

During this waiting period, the parents lose their minds. There is nothing we can do besides being present and encouraging your little one. Everything else is up to them, and once they eat without a problem, they will be able to go home.

NICU Week 6

September 12, 2020September 26, 2020 by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This past week started so very slow! Every minute in her hospital room seemed to stretch an hour long. She began with her CPAP going down and she started to be become more alert! Her eyes opened here and there, and she would react more to different sounds throughout the room.

Towards the end of this week, Lilly developed very fast. She gained weight and maintained her feeds through her OG tube (a tube that goes to her tummy and enters through her mouth). She is weighing 5lbs 7oz and she is now 17 in tall! She got rid of her CPAP and she graduated to regualr NEWBORN diapers!!

Here is a secret truth I learned as a NICU mom that will make you feel more confident and motherly as time passes by:

YOU ARE YOUR CHILD’S ADVOCATE. YOU ARE MOM. YOU ARE A SUPER HERO. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOUR VOICE MATTERS!

Towards the end of this week, many wonderful changes happened to both Lilly and me, and the truth I just told you seemed very hard to believe. Here’s why…

Lilly started to breathe more on her own than without the help of any machine, so the doctor decided to take her off of her CPAP and she graduated to a canula (the plastic oxygen prongs that go into your nose) with room air. Those were wonderful news, right??? Well, my husband and I didn’t get to find out until we walked into the room and saw it ourselves.

You see, the NICU is a type of Intersive Care Unit and they have so many sick kiddos that they only really call parents when there is something wrong. As they like to put it “If I don’t call you, thats is a good thing”. The trudht of the matter is that MOST parents would like to know when something good is going to happen too! Secially when it is such a big step for our little one. We were a little upset. This was not the first time we had come to her room to find out something big had happened and no one told us or mentioned it.

Being in the NICU sometimes makes you feel as if your baby wasn’t yours and you have no right to touch, speak, or even feel motherly towards YOUR baby. So if you are a parent that has ever felt this way, please go back and read the captioned sentence above over and over and over.

No matter what, we are so very proud of our baby girl.

Today she graduated out of her canula and her OG tube. No more barriers to brestfeed! She has an NG tube ( goes in through her nose and into her tummy) for feeds when she can’t take the breast. She passed her hearing test and she can finally get a good hold of her binky! Some of these achevements happened because she is a warrior, and some happened because her mami and papi spoke up for her when she needed it regardles of how insignificant and disconnected they felt.

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Life Can Be As Beautiful As You Make it

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