Tag: fertility

NICU Week 11-14 The Last Mile

NICU Week 11-14 The Last Mile

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

To be honest with all of you, the last four weeks of this journey were long and very short at the same time. It felt like our world went on for eternities but somehow we would find ourselves near the end of it time and time again. Like a marathon.

Lilly was growing so fast! She was gaining weight and hitting those regular developmental milestones quite fast. This seem to worry the doctors more than please them. They were noticing that Lilly was beginning to outgrow the NICU but there was something holding her back.

Spencer and I could NOT have seen this coming even if we tried. We had the idea that for some reason the NICU was the place for her to be “fixed”, and we were so wrong. Lilly reminded everyone in her care team that the neonatal intensive care unit could also be just a part of your treatment and not the entire process.

After many tests and therapy sessions, she was diagnosed with dysphagia and would need special care whenever she needed to eat. Technically, dysphagia is the inability to swallow without chocking. This means that her “feeds” had to be thickened in order for her to be able to eat safely. That also meant that breastfeeding was out of the question since breastmilk is so thin; thinner than water.

I was devastated. I always intended to breastfeed, especially since I was lucky enought to be blessed with an amazing milk supply. Pumping became my new religion.

Lilly’s feeding tube was also a topic for conversation and brainstorming on the provider’s part. They knew that she would have to go home with suplemental feeding and that the NICU was not very fond of sending babies home with anything but a “G Tube”, which is a surgically placed tube straight to the belly. Now, there are lots of other ideas that preceded the long feared G Tube, but the NICU providers were not very hopeful.

With the help of our great Speech team, who advocated perfectly for our little one, the neonatologists came to the conclusion that she was a good candidate to be discharged with an NG tube as long as she was seen outpatient by the same speech pathologists. Luckly, my husband and I have enough experience with medical matters and we felt so very comfortable taking care of her at home.

Lilly was discharged Nov 5th with a feeding tube that she had to use for only two weeks after she got home. With the help of her amazing speech team, her GI team, and the sweat and tears of her parents, she no longer needed her feeding tube and she graduated from therapy!!!!

NICU Week 7

NICU Week 7

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week was full of changes as well as the previous one. We were able to see Lilly’s development increase as she opens her eyes a little bit more and she starts cuing whenever its time to eat.

This week was also birthday week for this mom right here! Celebrating at the NICU was not at all my plan for this year, but then again, 2020 has had a mind of it’s own.

I got to spend the whole day with my baby girl and cuddle her up as much as I could! In the morning we had an amazing breastfeeding session which made me so happy! It was a wonderful gift from Lilly. Then my hubby surprised me with a visit from one of my best friends Samri! She flew all the way from Idaho to spend a couple of hours with me. She is an amazing photographer and we did an surprise photo shoot capturing that day. Spencer then took me to a nice steak dinner that evening and we had so much fun!

Lilly was introduced to her first bottle and she hated it at first, then tolerated it after. She is definitely a breastfeeding baby. We are still using the newborn diapers and working on a developing diaper rash. After speaking to her doctor and letting them know our concerns about her grunting and bearing down, her feeds now are breast milk only and we have left the fortification behind! This means that she is no longer super fussy and she can digest what she is eating a little bit better.

Next week we will be focusing on having steady vital signs and feeding. The nurses and pretty much anyone you meet at the NICU will tell you that learning to eat is the hardest part for any baby and their parents. Babies will be able to breathe, and regulate their temperature with a little help, but eating is something they have to figure out themselves. This means that they might pick it up quick or take a long while.

During this waiting period, the parents lose their minds. There is nothing we can do besides being present and encouraging your little one. Everything else is up to them, and once they eat without a problem, they will be able to go home.

NICU Week 4 & 5

NICU Week 4 & 5

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

These two weeks have merged into a blob in my head. Sometimes the emotional side of things take over and make this whole experience appear as if it was a dream. Luckly I have this blog where I can write it all down.

Many wonderful things have happened since the last post. You would not believe how much my family and I have grown as we spend our time and efforts with our Lilly pad. Love. There is an amazing amount of love that has melted our worries away, and I could not be more thankful.

Week 4 came by and swept us off of our feet without warning.  My family from Hawai’i stayed with us and made our home full and whole. They cleaned, coooked, laughed and loved us while my husband and I restlessly tried to do everything from paperwork to budgeting and all things in between that come from any hospital stay. To them we are forver in debt. We love you so much you guys! My momma and sister in law also came to our rescue and shared with us their bright auras and their support. We are lucky to have you nearby.

Last day at the park before the flew back to Hawai’i

Lilly grew so much and gained enough weight to fill in her preemie clothes! The fact that we could now dress her and hold her more often made us realize that she IS REAL and she is OURS to love. She had her first bath during this week. This was a very tough moment for us as we were not able to be there with her. The guilt definitely creeped up on me and brought me down emotionally. Despite the sadness, both my hubby and I understood that this only meant that she was strong enought to come off the CPAP for a bath! what an achievement!

Lilly’s first spa day

Week 5 rolled by and my mom, dad, and sister had to go back to their beautiful island. I could say that I am okay with them having to go back, but I would be lying. I am still having a hard time not having them by my side. Video chatting with them has kept me sane.

Lilly has been going back and forth in her CPAP level and feeding types. She si now at +6 on her CPAP and we are hoping that she can progressively go lower until it comes off. She has graduated now to a gravity feed where she can take in breastmilk at her own pace. She is still figuring out how to do that, but most times she does just fine!

I can’t stress enough how emotionally challenging it is being a parent in the NICU. Luckily for us, we have a very beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it.

NICU Week 3

NICU Week 3

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The miracle week! Little did we know that we were going to be able to see so many advancements in such a little amount of time. We always said that we were not going to be too hopeful just in case things didn’t turn out good at all. This time, hope and excitement won the battle.

Every week for Lilly begins on Thursdays since she was born that day. At the beginning of this week, my husband and I were at home. It was around 5 A.M. and I had just pumped while my hubby was waking up for work, and we decided to call our little one at the NICU. Being far away from her can be emotionally draining, and calling to get some sort of report on how she did during the night gives us peace of mind and closure.

This call was a very special one. The nurse told us that our little girl had been regulating her temperature very well and the doctor deemed her ready to transition from the incubator to a hospital crib. My ears could not believe what I heard and my heart nearly exploded from how full it felt. The good news did not stop there though…

She was ready to wear regular clothes! Oh my! how much did I wish I could dress up my little cutie like a doll. My wishes are probably so silly to the regular mom that brings her baby home day one, but that call reminded me that wishes do come true.

My hubby and I made the effort to go and see her after he clocked out of work, and we spent the evening with her. We got to dress her for the first time, change her diaper, and provide the regualr care that she gets every three hours. We then got to hold her like a real baby. I know this must sound like I am crazy, but we had never had the chance to do so because she would get too cold.

My eyes were filled with tears and my body felt complete as I held my not so little one in my arms; She looked so much older than the last time I saw her.

Lilly has grown and surprised everyone that accidentally falls into her fan group, which is just about everyone. Specially her grandparents on my side of the family. My mother has been helping us since the day I went into labor, and my dad and sister joined us this week so as to help us during this recovery process. They helped us finish the nursery and set up a plan to easily transition into parenthood for when Lilly gets to come home. We are BLESSED indeed.

It Pours – ER #2

It Pours – ER #2

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

ER TRIP #2

August 12th 2020.

Shortly after being discharged from my first trip to the ER, I found myself under the same fluorescent lights.

Wednesday night the same week after Visit #1, I started to feel a little lethargic and moody again. My mom picked up my signs right away and asked me if I was okay. I brushed off her concern thinking she was just being a mom. Little did I know that mothers have a perfect gift. They know their children inside and out even if they haven’t seen them in a while. Mothers do know best.

I went to the bathroom after I felt like some blood had passed; a little too much for my current normal flow. I soon discovered something that scared me to my core. I had passed a very large blood clot. The postpartum nurses at the hospital told me to make sure that they clot wasn’t bright red. It wasn’t at first.

Withing 30 minutes, my body was having actual contractions and several bright red blood clots the size of my hand. I have pretty big hands. The terror settled in and I started to sob uncontrolably. I called in my mother and  my husband into the bathroom to make sure I wasn’t over reacting. Their reactions let me know it was serious. To the ER we went.

ONE HOUR in a bumpy car ride to the hospital was enought to physically drain me. Every clot that was about to pass felt like I was crowning. After checking in and being brought to triage, we finally got an exam room.

What happened next helped me understand why some women may be inclined to never had kids again.

The OB team of doctors showed up shortly after the nurse whose care I was in saw the size of the clots I was passing. She started an I.V. and drew my blood. I am pretty sure i’ve had about six I.V.s and one PICC line in the past three weeks.  The doctors did a couple more speculum vaginal exams and saw that I had necrotic left over tissue from when I gave birth.

Dialation and curettage with added sucction AKA torture:

Essentially, the doctors used a speculum to open up a canal through my cervix and to my uterus so that they could pull out any tissue with special instruments. You are awake, and no anesthesia is used. This procedure can be quick or it can be about two hours long. Luckily for me, I got the two hours long one.

After labored breathing and what it seemed like the beginning of a painful death, the doctor got the tissue out succesfully. I was relieved the procedure worked and we didn’t have to deal with the worst case scenario; a hysterectomy.

My body did what I didn’t think it could. The amount of pain I felt was beyond giving birth, breaking a bone, or anything I’ve ever felt. When my adrenaline started to fade away and my body started to feel all the after effects of it, it decided to give me a break by fainting. My amazing husband acted in a timely manner and helped me out as best as he could. I woke up to his beautiful eyes and I felt peace.

The discharge was quick, and the ride home painless. I am thankful for how far medicine and technology has come. It has saved my life.

Going throught this experience and knowing the posibilities of it happening again would traumatize even the strongest women. Would I have kids again? yes, yes I would.

To be honest, my husband and I had such desire to be pregnant and such a hard time conceiving, that I would go through as much as my body could take to be able to grow even more as a family. Our Lilly has been nothing short of amazing and the best blessing. Doing this and powering through for her has been a journey I will never forget. I have grown as a mother, daughter, wife, and human being. My limits have expanded and I’ve finally found my strength.

The First Trimester

The First Trimester

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 1 Comment

I honestly thought it wasn’t that bad… up until it was.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we could not believe it. I had started to take some medicine and vitamins to help with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. I didn’t think that my body would take to it so well, but it did!

We had spent the past six or so months trying and trying to get pregnant. We used up most of our money on pregnancy tests, fertility lube, and ovulation and pregancy strip tests. It was nerve wrecking and stressful, which is the opposite of how conceiving should be. We were just trying our best.

We were hesistant to get excited since our previous experience had been a little traumatic and hard to get over. The thought of having a little one quickly filled our hearts and without wanting to, we felt so much joy!

To be honest with you, sometimes it was hard to actually feel pregnant and find some sort of connection with the little one we were hoping to meet in eight-ish months. My pregnancy symptoms finally started to show up and all of my worries and doubts melted away.

Ceasar salads, chicken noodle soup, a goldfish crackers.

There was nothing else my body would consume. Even water was hard to swallow. My experience with food aversions was horrible. It was so hard to see, smell, and even think about any other types of food without insantly throwing up or gagging.

I lost nearly twenty pounds and developed Anemia. Pedialyte became my best friend as I was severily dehydrated, so much that I had to go to an urgent care and get two bags of I.V. fluids. It didnt even take that long for my body to suck those down.

My mood started to vary depending on what my nose could pick up that day (which was quite a lot), and my appetite decided to remain the same throughout the entire trimester. UGH..

It was not always bad.

My husband and I had so much fun planning how to share the news with our family and friends! We enjoyed this new sense of intimacy as we realized that the baby that was growing in my belly, was conceived with so much love and hope. We already loved our little one.

The unspeakable pain

The unspeakable pain

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 1 Comment

One afternoon, and after trying to conceive for a while, my husband and I where laying in bed relaxing after work. Something happened that changed our lives. An amazing amount of pain surged through my abdomen and I started bleeding. It was a type of pain I will never forget.

My poor husband can tell anyone what an awful experience it was for both of us. Two hours into what felt like my stomach, back, and lower abdomen were going to fall off for good, and the pain and crying finally stopped. We had no idea what was happening until later.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that miscarriages are so painful? why didn’t anyone warned us that it was a posibility? why is this such a taboo topic? and why us?

We set up an appointment with an OBGYN near us and I got a check up to see what was going on. Sadly, it was confirmed that I had had a miscarriage or non-viable pregnancy. Probably didn’t make it past the first 2 weeks. They also told me that I had PCOS and that it would be hard for me and my husband to conceive. I felt guilt, and anger, and more than anything, I felt so sad. we had been trying and trying and trying.

It took about three months for my body to fully heal and about half a year to forgive and love myself again. My husband was nothing but patient and loving, and I am beyond thankful for this man in my life. After much thinking and with all the courage we didn’t have before, we decided to try again with some help.

The OBGYN became our best friend.

Not Knowing

Not Knowing

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My husband and I got married in 2018 and knew that we wanted to start a family rigth away. We had been together for over 4 years prior to getting married, and our baby fever cought up with us faster than we thought!

Trying to conceive seemed like something so easy and fun. Theres no way we could mess that up! besides, we love each other so much, that our love will do the rest…. so I thought. Not once did I imagine that it would bring heartache and loss, or frustration and anger.

They (schools, parents, doctors, etc.) don’t really teach you much about procreating or starting a family and some of the barriers that you, as a person, could come across with.

Not knowing this information really set us back and gave us a lesson to remember. Most importantly, it allowed us to grow as a couple and as individuals. Although it was really disheartening, I would not change our experience for anything in the world.