Tag: struggle

The Eight Letter Word | Part 1

The Eight Letter Word | Part 1

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

***Disclaimer: This story contains triggering subjects related to medical emergencies, hospitals, and anxiety. Please read at your own discretion***

I will be writing this down mainly to be able to cope with it. Sharing stories like this is not easy for me and I know for a fact that it is not easy for others to hear. I do hope that one day this story can reach the person that has lived something similar and is in need of some validation or comfort.

It started with a nice evening movie. Let me paint a picture for you…

My sister was visiting from Hawai’i and we decided to have a sleepover. This was supposed to be a nice time together. We picked a movie and some snacks while my husband was playing computer games. We got into our pajamas and settled in for the night after putting my daughter to bed.

Lilly had gone to bed at around 9 pm.

The living room was as normal as always. The lights were low, the temperature of the room was just right, the house smelled like popcorn, and Kona (our dog) was in her bed sleeping. Shortly after the movie started we heard a weird coughing noise coming from both my phone and down the hall in Lilly’s room.

This noise was not her normal coughing noises and it in fact sounded more like a very loud and drowning pleading cry.

Startled, I called got my husband’s attention and we headed to her room in a rush, only to find a very disheartening scene. Lilly was hollering in pain but there was not a single movement coming from her. The noise was there but it seemed as though she was not. We hurried over and picked her up, thinking she might be choking. When we did. She was barely making a noise anymore. She was LIMP. It all felt wrong. Very wrong.

Panic settled in and both of our eyes met with terror in them. Without even thinking about it, our reflexes found us doing infant CPR. While my sister was present in the room, I did not get a chance to warn her or tend to her fear. I only pushed her away yelling “ We are CNAs, and we know what I am doing, PLEASE call 911”.

If you have ever done CPR on anyone, then you know how horrible it actually is. All of a sudden time feels like its running away from you, and every thought you’ve ever had simply decides to take 10 years to come through. Most times I have done CPR on a person, it has been under ideal circumstances. Inside a hospital room, with the right equipment, and the best support team you can think of; nurses, respiratory therapists, doctors, CNAs, etc. It is almost a guarantee that the person in danger is going to make it. This situation felt like my daughter’s entire world was hanging on by a thread, and we were the ones holding the scissors. The level of responsibility of a parent became painfully present and heavy to bear.

The Police, the fire department, and the ambulance came fast. They examined our daughter quickly and asked us a million questions. Then they took her to the hospital with my husband riding in the front. At the hospital, they did any and all tests to make sure that she was fine. All results came back normal. We were sent home with little to no explanation as to why she had stopped breathing. After that whole experience we all made it home around 4am and decided to lay down and sleep for a little. My daughter and my husband slept on our big bed, and I accompanied my sister (who was still in shock) on the couch.

Everything was fine…until it he called my name a couple of hours later.

“DIANAAAAAA!!!!!”

Moving Six Times in Four Years

Moving Six Times in Four Years

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is a fun story to tell now that we have found what will be our place for a while.

2018- Our first apartment as newlyweds was very nice! to be honest it was one of the easiest experiences we have had in the rental world. Looking back at the circumstances, I can see how it was so easy. We did not have kids, animals, or the great amount of bills that come from a more advanced marriage. Spencer and I came into our marriage with barely any debt and with great credit scores, making the transition to married life so much easier. This apartment had 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, it was remodeled with vaulted ceilings and in-unit washer and dryer. It really was a small little heaven. We had many first in that apartment. First fights, first time trying to diet after we had gained relationship weight, first Christmas together and our first pet! KONA!

We had a very nice year and a half before we were told that the city of Olympia was remodeling one of the state buildings and required all living establishments to raise their rent. Once we were aware of this change, we made the calculations and realized that it surpassed our income and how much we could afford in rent. We did what we thought best and we moved in with my mother-in-law while we looked for a place that would better fit our needs and capabilities. We were hoping to save some money too. Moving from what we had to a small room with a shared space was challenging. We had already accumulated so many things of our own and we had grown as a family, so we had to rent a storage unit.

2019- Living at mom’s house was very comforting. Mom has always been kind, supportive, loving, and helpful. During our stay with mom, many parts of our marriage and our personal friendship were tested. We had plenty of learning curves and trials that forced us to grow in unexpected ways. One of the best things that came from this period of moving was learning that I was pregnant and we were going to have a little one soon!

2020- Searching homes became our second job. As much as we had tried, we could never find something that fit our needs. We decided to look outside of our city and we were lucky to find something very small but well below our budget, which allowed us to save some money before Lilly would arrive. This place quickly turned into my personal hell as I was experiencing morning sickness and smell aversions. I couldn’t bear to smell anything that came from that apartment. Lilly was coming in a couple of months and we needed to move again to fit the needs of our growing family.

2020 TWO MONTHS LATER- Our very nice landlord was keeping an eye out for us and told us of a rental unit that she was going to have available soon; one that would fit our needs and our budget. We took that chance and ran with it! With the help of some friends and family, we made the move and set up our little home in this quaint basement apartment. We had so much more room and to be honest, it was amazing being able to not have to smell the other place. This time around we would be able to host family, have a nursery, and feel like we actually belonged somewhere.

This place was very hard to leave for a couple of reasons. First, we had so many memories that made that apartment our very best home. We had our daughter, we grew together in our marriage, we learned a lot about basement apartments and plumbing problems. Second, the price of the place for the amount of space and amenities we had was phenomenal, but no matter how much we loved it, we also were outgrowing it. Lilly had already started to walk and get into everything. Her space grew smaller and smaller with all the things that she was gifted. What if we wanted to expand our family? this was not the place any longer.

2022- After searching for months, our landlord pointed us top the direction of a newly remodel duplex that doubled the space we were living at then, and had private parking with an attached garage and plenty more amenities. Plus, it was above ground with a very large yard for Kona to enjoy. We were sold. Today as I write this a whole year later, I can only think of the many adventures we will have later on, but for now, this is our home and our safe heaven.

Redefining The Words “Psych Ward”

Redefining The Words “Psych Ward”

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

***TRIGGER WARNING (PTSD, OCD, SI) ***

I was brought down to the unit from the ER. I can only describe the feeling I had like a ‘walk of shame’. I felt the stares glued to the back of my head as I made my way to the elevator. I was wearing the infamous terracotta colored scrubs with the matching bright yellow hospital socks. The hardest part of it all was making eye contact with my coworkers as I made my way from the triage room to the elevators. I was accompanied by a crisis nurse and a security guard. I wanted to make excuses for myself so that they wouldn’t take pity on me. Regardless of how I felt, I knew I needed the help, so I swallowed my pride and let the professionals take over.

DAY 1- I was stripped of my personal items. No phone, lip balm, wallet, or even drawstrings allowed. My bed was a wooden box with a small mattress dressed with thin hospital linen. There was a desk with rounded edges and a what it looked like a robust plastic chair with no legs. There was a window but it was sealed shut. I felt ashamed of being there. Was I making it all up for attention? Deep down I knew I wasn’t but the thought was still there. I met with the psychiatrist that morning and was officially diagnosed with PTSD, ODC, and severe sleep deprivation. I was given medication that morning to help me sleep and to battle my PTSD. For once since Lilly’s birth my mind was quiet. I had lunch and fell asleep.

DAY 2- I had no idea that psych wards had a scheduled program or any type of structure whatsoever. In my uneducated mind, I was convinced crazy people just let their minds wander in a zombie-like manner, and occasionally lashed out in a manic state. I was so very wrong about it all.  I had already missed the morning vital signs, the check in group, breakfast, the free hour, the counseling/meditation group, and the creative time. I slept for nearly 24 hours.

I woke up to natural light and the sound of the nurse coming in to check on me as it was already almost night time. I was introduced to the other patients there and the rest  of the staff for the day. They were so heartwarming and welcoming. I attended the night time check in group, had dinner, my meds, a shower, and fell back asleep for the night.  I didn’t dream once.

DAY 3- I got up with a little pep in my step, it was a refreshing change. I got ready for the day, attended all my groups and even had a chance to play the piano for some of the patients ( I have no idea how to play but i can figure out simple chords). We had a movie night and I got to paint and meditate. Before the end of the day I met with my treatment team and decided that I was fit to go back home the following day.

DAY 4- It was dishcarge day and I was so excited to see Lilly and Spencer. At the same time, I was a little sad to leave such a healing place, knowing I would have to go back to the regular day to day tasks. It felt terrifying. As the time approached, I got more and more anxious. Once I was able to exit the building and I saw my family, all the worries melted away. She had grown so much in four days! Her little ankles had the smallest chub and her cheeks had grown to the size of two juicy peaches. My husband’s face was that of relief and concern for me. I am thankful for the amazing man I picked to be my partner. His support and love have always been unconditional.

I can’t say that I don’t get excited when someone makes a comment on the topic of mental health institutions, especially after my experience. It has become a chance to educate people, share my truth, break the stigma that comes from talking about seeking mental health help, and  also a chance to change the actual image of what people imagine when they hear the words psych ward. This very lenghty story might not ever reach the people that have the ability to change the culture around this topic, but I hope it helps someone in need to make the decision to seek help.

The Fourth Trimester – Part 2

The Fourth Trimester – Part 2

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

To say that things changed quickly is an understatement…

Over the couple of months following my therapy sessions, I started to feel better and more optimistic. I thought that everything was going back to normal. I was sure that the worst was over without remembering that there’s always the calm before a storm.

One night my husband and I found ourselves tucked in bed, deep in conversation about how real depression is. Shortly before falling asleep he made a harmless comment about PTSD that made an array of feelings that I didn’t recognize flood my entire body. I had flashbacks of not being able to see my baby when she was born, and all the many times she cried and I wasn’t able to feel the urge or the connection to her in the way that I wanted to. PTSD sounded correct, as if my brain was trying to tell me “YES! THAT’S IT! HELP ME!”

I had an anxiety/panic attack that night. The emotional pain felt so real!

The following day while at work, I had a moment of clarity. I was able to recognize that I was not feeling good and it was not safe for me to go home to my baby by myself. For my safety and hers. I knocked on my manager’s door and, with heavy tears, told her that I was having suicidal thoughts and needed help. It was hard to communicate my feelings, but thankfully she was able to pick up what I was trying to convey.

I walked to the emergency room with her and checked in. That’s where healing began. In the most unexpected place, at the most random time. I was terrified.

The next couple of hours were spent waiting for a mental health evaluation to decide if I needed the help that I claimed I was asking for. I imagine there are plenty of people that take advantage of these services for mundane alternate purposes. I was not that person. I felt crazy, unlike myself, foreign, disconnected, empty, hopeless. During the interview I was tempted to play off my actual raw feelings, but I didn’t. I am glad that I chose to spill out my entire heart.

The mental health counselor recommended me to a voluntary psychiatric unit to seek treatment. I was told I had been “sleepless for far too long and that it was causing my brain to develop alternate mental diseases that sprouted from my physical and emotional post-partum trauma. A mouthful, I know.

With a heavy heart, I volunteered to be admitted. I knew I was doing the right thing but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to see my family or my daughter for however long the psychiatrist deemed necessary. I was heartbroken and scared, but most of all I was just a little hopeful.

… and so it began, the most wonderful four days of my life.

My husband being the most supportive human in existance. He took great care of our daughter while i was away.
The Fourth Trimester – Part 1

The Fourth Trimester – Part 1

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My pregnancy was so very beautiful! I got to enjoy 30 amazing weeks with the love of my life, whom I got to meet after a couple of hours of labor. Having a NICU baby was scary and a little traumatic, but I will not lie to you and say that it was the scariest. My postpartum journey has been way worse.

In my blog, I have told the stories titled ER 1 and 2, where I make account of some of the most challenging things my body has gone through. In this blog post, I want to tell you a little bit about the strain in my mental health after Lilly got home.

PPD (postpartum depression) and PPA (postpartum anxiety) took over my life once I stepped inside my house with my “brand new babe”, fresh off the NICU. Suddenly I realized that not only had I brought a baby home, but also an I.V. Pole, replacement nasal tubes for feeding, a feeding pump, and more medical supplies that I can’t even recall.

It felt like I had stepped into an alternative dimension where I could no longer be happy, or where I could only see the worst in me. Did I do everything I could for Lilly while she was at the NICU? If so, why did she come home with half of the hospital with her? Did I ask all the right questions? Does Lilly know I’m her mom? Is it worth living if i can’t be the best for her?

I still don’t understand why PPD is such a taboo topic among women. It is such a common problem after giving birth.; a problem that has taken many lives in it’s path.

Depression can put on a happy face too

I knew something was wrong the moment my provider asked me if I was feeling depressed or down on myself during my 6 week check up. I wanted to be honest and say what I was actually feeling, but the thought of them thinking I was mentally unstable and unsafe for my baby prevented me from opening up. I shook my head and, with all the regret in my heart, said ” I’m doing good so far”.

A couple of weeks went by and the feelings and thoughts of not only hurting myself but also neglecting my child started to increase and got harder to “ignore”. Basic self care became tedious and keeping family relationships alive was almost impossible. I started having heavy graphic nightmares and second guess ANY motherly intuitions that would come my way. Slowly but surely I fell into what it seemed like a dark and dreary abyss. Somehow, this awful place felt comfortable as well, making it hard to leave. This went on for weeks…

My family and friends encouraged me to seek help and reminded me that seeking help does not mean I am weak. My best friend and her family were kind enough to help me get started by paying for 6 months of online therapy. Without this help, I don’T think I would have been able to get out of such a dark place. I am thankful for them.

Lilly was also growing fast and improving in her medical diagnosis.

I continued therapy for those 6 months and everything was finally looking up for me and my mental health.

NICU Week 11-14 The Last Mile

NICU Week 11-14 The Last Mile

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

To be honest with all of you, the last four weeks of this journey were long and very short at the same time. It felt like our world went on for eternities but somehow we would find ourselves near the end of it time and time again. Like a marathon.

Lilly was growing so fast! She was gaining weight and hitting those regular developmental milestones quite fast. This seem to worry the doctors more than please them. They were noticing that Lilly was beginning to outgrow the NICU but there was something holding her back.

Spencer and I could NOT have seen this coming even if we tried. We had the idea that for some reason the NICU was the place for her to be “fixed”, and we were so wrong. Lilly reminded everyone in her care team that the neonatal intensive care unit could also be just a part of your treatment and not the entire process.

After many tests and therapy sessions, she was diagnosed with dysphagia and would need special care whenever she needed to eat. Technically, dysphagia is the inability to swallow without chocking. This means that her “feeds” had to be thickened in order for her to be able to eat safely. That also meant that breastfeeding was out of the question since breastmilk is so thin; thinner than water.

I was devastated. I always intended to breastfeed, especially since I was lucky enought to be blessed with an amazing milk supply. Pumping became my new religion.

Lilly’s feeding tube was also a topic for conversation and brainstorming on the provider’s part. They knew that she would have to go home with suplemental feeding and that the NICU was not very fond of sending babies home with anything but a “G Tube”, which is a surgically placed tube straight to the belly. Now, there are lots of other ideas that preceded the long feared G Tube, but the NICU providers were not very hopeful.

With the help of our great Speech team, who advocated perfectly for our little one, the neonatologists came to the conclusion that she was a good candidate to be discharged with an NG tube as long as she was seen outpatient by the same speech pathologists. Luckly, my husband and I have enough experience with medical matters and we felt so very comfortable taking care of her at home.

Lilly was discharged Nov 5th with a feeding tube that she had to use for only two weeks after she got home. With the help of her amazing speech team, her GI team, and the sweat and tears of her parents, she no longer needed her feeding tube and she graduated from therapy!!!!

NICU/ICN Week 9

NICU/ICN Week 9

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week we found out that our daughter had a low red blood cell count and needed some iron to help. This was kind of good news… here is what I mean by that.

Lilly has been very sleepy and lethargic. This makes it hard for her to actually work on feedings and learning how to eat like a newborn. In order for her to eat, she has to be awake/alert. Spencer and I were worried and communicated this to her doctors during rounds last week.

The doctors told us that it was very normal for her to be this sleepy given she was a preemie and “we are asking so much of them already” as the doctor put it. My motherly instinct told me that something else was happening and that we should ask again with more persistance.

The doctors decided to do a full blood panel and they found out that she had a low count which I believe came from me. I am anemic. Regardless, now we know what the problem is and how to fix it! Which brings me to our next achievement.

2 months old!

Lilly has been waking up a little bit more, enough to work on breastfeeding and bottle feeding! On Tuesday she tried breastfeeding and she was latched the entire time and she got milk! So she didn’t have to get any milk through her tube!

Today when Spencer and I arrived at her 11 am care, we found the nurse feeding her through the bottle and she was almost done! Spencer took over and Lilly and papi worked together and she finished her feed! her feeding has become a bit more mature and she is pacing herself. No events either!

We are making very small progress, but it is progress indeed. Lilly also has been gaining weight and she has grown in size! 6lbs 12.5oz of deliciousness! She almost looks like a newborn now and we are very much in love!!

To other parents with babies in the NICU: This week we also brought in some items that we had at home ready for her. A pillow to prevent flat head syndrome, her personal bibs, her boppy for nursing, and her receiving blankets to act as linens for her hospital crib.  **YOU CAN MAKE THE NICU YOUR HOME AWAY FROM HOME ** This has helped us feel like home is wherever she is and not just a stationary place that seems so distant and unachieveable.

YOU GOT THIS! Its not easy, but then again, nothing that is worthwhile is easy to build or find.

Our view from Lilly’s room.
NICU Week 7

NICU Week 7

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week was full of changes as well as the previous one. We were able to see Lilly’s development increase as she opens her eyes a little bit more and she starts cuing whenever its time to eat.

This week was also birthday week for this mom right here! Celebrating at the NICU was not at all my plan for this year, but then again, 2020 has had a mind of it’s own.

I got to spend the whole day with my baby girl and cuddle her up as much as I could! In the morning we had an amazing breastfeeding session which made me so happy! It was a wonderful gift from Lilly. Then my hubby surprised me with a visit from one of my best friends Samri! She flew all the way from Idaho to spend a couple of hours with me. She is an amazing photographer and we did an surprise photo shoot capturing that day. Spencer then took me to a nice steak dinner that evening and we had so much fun!

Lilly was introduced to her first bottle and she hated it at first, then tolerated it after. She is definitely a breastfeeding baby. We are still using the newborn diapers and working on a developing diaper rash. After speaking to her doctor and letting them know our concerns about her grunting and bearing down, her feeds now are breast milk only and we have left the fortification behind! This means that she is no longer super fussy and she can digest what she is eating a little bit better.

Next week we will be focusing on having steady vital signs and feeding. The nurses and pretty much anyone you meet at the NICU will tell you that learning to eat is the hardest part for any baby and their parents. Babies will be able to breathe, and regulate their temperature with a little help, but eating is something they have to figure out themselves. This means that they might pick it up quick or take a long while.

During this waiting period, the parents lose their minds. There is nothing we can do besides being present and encouraging your little one. Everything else is up to them, and once they eat without a problem, they will be able to go home.

NICU Week 4 & 5

NICU Week 4 & 5

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

These two weeks have merged into a blob in my head. Sometimes the emotional side of things take over and make this whole experience appear as if it was a dream. Luckly I have this blog where I can write it all down.

Many wonderful things have happened since the last post. You would not believe how much my family and I have grown as we spend our time and efforts with our Lilly pad. Love. There is an amazing amount of love that has melted our worries away, and I could not be more thankful.

Week 4 came by and swept us off of our feet without warning.  My family from Hawai’i stayed with us and made our home full and whole. They cleaned, coooked, laughed and loved us while my husband and I restlessly tried to do everything from paperwork to budgeting and all things in between that come from any hospital stay. To them we are forver in debt. We love you so much you guys! My momma and sister in law also came to our rescue and shared with us their bright auras and their support. We are lucky to have you nearby.

Last day at the park before the flew back to Hawai’i

Lilly grew so much and gained enough weight to fill in her preemie clothes! The fact that we could now dress her and hold her more often made us realize that she IS REAL and she is OURS to love. She had her first bath during this week. This was a very tough moment for us as we were not able to be there with her. The guilt definitely creeped up on me and brought me down emotionally. Despite the sadness, both my hubby and I understood that this only meant that she was strong enought to come off the CPAP for a bath! what an achievement!

Lilly’s first spa day

Week 5 rolled by and my mom, dad, and sister had to go back to their beautiful island. I could say that I am okay with them having to go back, but I would be lying. I am still having a hard time not having them by my side. Video chatting with them has kept me sane.

Lilly has been going back and forth in her CPAP level and feeding types. She si now at +6 on her CPAP and we are hoping that she can progressively go lower until it comes off. She has graduated now to a gravity feed where she can take in breastmilk at her own pace. She is still figuring out how to do that, but most times she does just fine!

I can’t stress enough how emotionally challenging it is being a parent in the NICU. Luckily for us, we have a very beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it.

NICU Week 3

NICU Week 3

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The miracle week! Little did we know that we were going to be able to see so many advancements in such a little amount of time. We always said that we were not going to be too hopeful just in case things didn’t turn out good at all. This time, hope and excitement won the battle.

Every week for Lilly begins on Thursdays since she was born that day. At the beginning of this week, my husband and I were at home. It was around 5 A.M. and I had just pumped while my hubby was waking up for work, and we decided to call our little one at the NICU. Being far away from her can be emotionally draining, and calling to get some sort of report on how she did during the night gives us peace of mind and closure.

This call was a very special one. The nurse told us that our little girl had been regulating her temperature very well and the doctor deemed her ready to transition from the incubator to a hospital crib. My ears could not believe what I heard and my heart nearly exploded from how full it felt. The good news did not stop there though…

She was ready to wear regular clothes! Oh my! how much did I wish I could dress up my little cutie like a doll. My wishes are probably so silly to the regular mom that brings her baby home day one, but that call reminded me that wishes do come true.

My hubby and I made the effort to go and see her after he clocked out of work, and we spent the evening with her. We got to dress her for the first time, change her diaper, and provide the regualr care that she gets every three hours. We then got to hold her like a real baby. I know this must sound like I am crazy, but we had never had the chance to do so because she would get too cold.

My eyes were filled with tears and my body felt complete as I held my not so little one in my arms; She looked so much older than the last time I saw her.

Lilly has grown and surprised everyone that accidentally falls into her fan group, which is just about everyone. Specially her grandparents on my side of the family. My mother has been helping us since the day I went into labor, and my dad and sister joined us this week so as to help us during this recovery process. They helped us finish the nursery and set up a plan to easily transition into parenthood for when Lilly gets to come home. We are BLESSED indeed.