My pregnancy was so very beautiful! I got to enjoy 30 amazing weeks with the love of my life, whom I got to meet after a couple of hours of labor. Having a NICU baby was scary and a little traumatic, but I will not lie to you and say that it was the scariest. My postpartum journey has been way worse.

In my blog, I have told the stories titled ER 1 and 2, where I make account of some of the most challenging things my body has gone through. In this blog post, I want to tell you a little bit about the strain in my mental health after Lilly got home.

PPD (postpartum depression) and PPA (postpartum anxiety) took over my life once I stepped inside my house with my “brand new babe”, fresh off the NICU. Suddenly I realized that not only had I brought a baby home, but also an I.V. Pole, replacement nasal tubes for feeding, a feeding pump, and more medical supplies that I can’t even recall.

It felt like I had stepped into an alternative dimension where I could no longer be happy, or where I could only see the worst in me. Did I do everything I could for Lilly while she was at the NICU? If so, why did she come home with half of the hospital with her? Did I ask all the right questions? Does Lilly know I’m her mom? Is it worth living if i can’t be the best for her?

I still don’t understand why PPD is such a taboo topic among women. It is such a common problem after giving birth.; a problem that has taken many lives in it’s path.

I knew something was wrong the moment my provider asked me if I was feeling depressed or down on myself during my 6 week check up. I wanted to be honest and say what I was actually feeling, but the thought of them thinking I was mentally unstable and unsafe for my baby prevented me from opening up. I shook my head and, with all the regret in my heart, said ” I’m doing good so far”.

A couple of weeks went by and the feelings and thoughts of not only hurting myself but also neglecting my child started to increase and got harder to “ignore”. Basic self care became tedious and keeping family relationships alive was almost impossible. I started having heavy graphic nightmares and second guess ANY motherly intuitions that would come my way. Slowly but surely I fell into what it seemed like a dark and dreary abyss. Somehow, this awful place felt comfortable as well, making it hard to leave. This went on for weeks…

My family and friends encouraged me to seek help and reminded me that seeking help does not mean I am weak. My best friend and her family were kind enough to help me get started by paying for 6 months of online therapy. Without this help, I don’T think I would have been able to get out of such a dark place. I am thankful for them.

Lilly was also growing fast and improving in her medical diagnosis.

I continued therapy for those 6 months and everything was finally looking up for me and my mental health.