NICU Week 6

NICU Week 6

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This past week started so very slow! Every minute in her hospital room seemed to stretch an hour long. She began with her CPAP going down and she started to be become more alert! Her eyes opened here and there, and she would react more to different sounds throughout the room.

Towards the end of this week, Lilly developed very fast. She gained weight and maintained her feeds through her OG tube (a tube that goes to her tummy and enters through her mouth). She is weighing 5lbs 7oz and she is now 17 in tall! She got rid of her CPAP and she graduated to regualr NEWBORN diapers!!

No more canula!

Here is a secret truth I learned as a NICU mom that will make you feel more confident and motherly as time passes by:

YOU ARE YOUR CHILD’S ADVOCATE. YOU ARE MOM. YOU ARE A SUPER HERO. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOUR VOICE MATTERS!

Towards the end of this week, many wonderful changes happened to both Lilly and me, and the truth I just told you seemed very hard to believe. Here’s why…

Lilly started to breathe more on her own than without the help of any machine, so the doctor decided to take her off of her CPAP and she graduated to a canula (the plastic oxygen prongs that go into your nose) with room air. Those were wonderful news, right??? Well, my husband and I didn’t get to find out until we walked into the room and saw it ourselves.

You see, the NICU is a type of Intersive Care Unit and they have so many sick kiddos that they only really call parents when there is something wrong. As they like to put it “If I don’t call you, thats is a good thing”. The trudht of the matter is that MOST parents would like to know when something good is going to happen too! Secially when it is such a big step for our little one. We were a little upset.  This was not the first time we had come to her room to find out something big had happened and no one told us or mentioned it.

Being in the NICU sometimes makes you feel as if your baby wasn’t yours and you have no right to touch, speak, or even feel motherly towards YOUR baby. So if you are a parent that has ever felt this way, please go back and read the captioned sentence above over and over and over.

No matter what, we are so very proud of our baby girl.

Today she graduated out of her canula and her OG tube. No more barriers to brestfeed! She has an NG tube ( goes in through her nose and into her tummy) for feeds when she can’t take the breast. She passed her hearing test and she can finally get a good hold of her binky! Some of these achevements happened because she is a warrior, and some happened because her mami and papi spoke up for her when she needed it regardles of how insignificant and disconnected they felt.

Breastfeeding for the first time
NICU Week 4 & 5

NICU Week 4 & 5

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

These two weeks have merged into a blob in my head. Sometimes the emotional side of things take over and make this whole experience appear as if it was a dream. Luckly I have this blog where I can write it all down.

Many wonderful things have happened since the last post. You would not believe how much my family and I have grown as we spend our time and efforts with our Lilly pad. Love. There is an amazing amount of love that has melted our worries away, and I could not be more thankful.

Week 4 came by and swept us off of our feet without warning.  My family from Hawai’i stayed with us and made our home full and whole. They cleaned, coooked, laughed and loved us while my husband and I restlessly tried to do everything from paperwork to budgeting and all things in between that come from any hospital stay. To them we are forver in debt. We love you so much you guys! My momma and sister in law also came to our rescue and shared with us their bright auras and their support. We are lucky to have you nearby.

Last day at the park before the flew back to Hawai’i

Lilly grew so much and gained enough weight to fill in her preemie clothes! The fact that we could now dress her and hold her more often made us realize that she IS REAL and she is OURS to love. She had her first bath during this week. This was a very tough moment for us as we were not able to be there with her. The guilt definitely creeped up on me and brought me down emotionally. Despite the sadness, both my hubby and I understood that this only meant that she was strong enought to come off the CPAP for a bath! what an achievement!

Lilly’s first spa day

Week 5 rolled by and my mom, dad, and sister had to go back to their beautiful island. I could say that I am okay with them having to go back, but I would be lying. I am still having a hard time not having them by my side. Video chatting with them has kept me sane.

Lilly has been going back and forth in her CPAP level and feeding types. She si now at +6 on her CPAP and we are hoping that she can progressively go lower until it comes off. She has graduated now to a gravity feed where she can take in breastmilk at her own pace. She is still figuring out how to do that, but most times she does just fine!

I can’t stress enough how emotionally challenging it is being a parent in the NICU. Luckily for us, we have a very beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it.

NICU Week 3

NICU Week 3

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The miracle week! Little did we know that we were going to be able to see so many advancements in such a little amount of time. We always said that we were not going to be too hopeful just in case things didn’t turn out good at all. This time, hope and excitement won the battle.

Every week for Lilly begins on Thursdays since she was born that day. At the beginning of this week, my husband and I were at home. It was around 5 A.M. and I had just pumped while my hubby was waking up for work, and we decided to call our little one at the NICU. Being far away from her can be emotionally draining, and calling to get some sort of report on how she did during the night gives us peace of mind and closure.

This call was a very special one. The nurse told us that our little girl had been regulating her temperature very well and the doctor deemed her ready to transition from the incubator to a hospital crib. My ears could not believe what I heard and my heart nearly exploded from how full it felt. The good news did not stop there though…

She was ready to wear regular clothes! Oh my! how much did I wish I could dress up my little cutie like a doll. My wishes are probably so silly to the regular mom that brings her baby home day one, but that call reminded me that wishes do come true.

My hubby and I made the effort to go and see her after he clocked out of work, and we spent the evening with her. We got to dress her for the first time, change her diaper, and provide the regualr care that she gets every three hours. We then got to hold her like a real baby. I know this must sound like I am crazy, but we had never had the chance to do so because she would get too cold.

My eyes were filled with tears and my body felt complete as I held my not so little one in my arms; She looked so much older than the last time I saw her.

Lilly has grown and surprised everyone that accidentally falls into her fan group, which is just about everyone. Specially her grandparents on my side of the family. My mother has been helping us since the day I went into labor, and my dad and sister joined us this week so as to help us during this recovery process. They helped us finish the nursery and set up a plan to easily transition into parenthood for when Lilly gets to come home. We are BLESSED indeed.

NICU Week 2

NICU Week 2

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This was been a very rewarding week!

Our little Lilly did have some setbacks. She is still developing her little lungs and learning to breathe. Her breaths used to be so very fast, and they are finally going down and normalizing.

Besides her breathing, she has started to gain some weight and she is tolerating her feed a little more than before. We are hoping that she can regulate her body temperature as well which would mean her transitioning to a crib instead of being in the incubator.

She has developed such an interesting personality. Like any other baby, she shows signs of being upset when she has a dirty diaper, and has crazy legs when we are trying to change her.

Some of the other firsts that melted our hearts was the time at the end of the week where she started to use a tiny pacifier. My husband and I could not believe how big she looked compared to her first week!

It is still very weird to think that we have a baby. Unlike other parents, we don’t get to be with our baby every single day. After her visits, we go home and rest, but we go home without her. It seems like we are just borrowing the idea of being parents instead of actually being mom and dad.

Although I know that we are indeed parents to a perfect little angel, it is hard to shake the feeling of not belonging to that group. The group that gets to learn to become parents on the fly and by survival. The ones that connect to their baby right away. I hope that other NICU parents know that I feel it too. I am with you on this, and I don’t think I can fix the pain, but I can share it.

It Pours – ER #2

It Pours – ER #2

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

ER TRIP #2

August 12th 2020.

Shortly after being discharged from my first trip to the ER, I found myself under the same fluorescent lights.

Wednesday night the same week after Visit #1, I started to feel a little lethargic and moody again. My mom picked up my signs right away and asked me if I was okay. I brushed off her concern thinking she was just being a mom. Little did I know that mothers have a perfect gift. They know their children inside and out even if they haven’t seen them in a while. Mothers do know best.

I went to the bathroom after I felt like some blood had passed; a little too much for my current normal flow. I soon discovered something that scared me to my core. I had passed a very large blood clot. The postpartum nurses at the hospital told me to make sure that they clot wasn’t bright red. It wasn’t at first.

Withing 30 minutes, my body was having actual contractions and several bright red blood clots the size of my hand. I have pretty big hands. The terror settled in and I started to sob uncontrolably. I called in my mother and  my husband into the bathroom to make sure I wasn’t over reacting. Their reactions let me know it was serious. To the ER we went.

ONE HOUR in a bumpy car ride to the hospital was enought to physically drain me. Every clot that was about to pass felt like I was crowning. After checking in and being brought to triage, we finally got an exam room.

What happened next helped me understand why some women may be inclined to never had kids again.

The OB team of doctors showed up shortly after the nurse whose care I was in saw the size of the clots I was passing. She started an I.V. and drew my blood. I am pretty sure i’ve had about six I.V.s and one PICC line in the past three weeks.  The doctors did a couple more speculum vaginal exams and saw that I had necrotic left over tissue from when I gave birth.

Dialation and curettage with added sucction AKA torture:

Essentially, the doctors used a speculum to open up a canal through my cervix and to my uterus so that they could pull out any tissue with special instruments. You are awake, and no anesthesia is used. This procedure can be quick or it can be about two hours long. Luckily for me, I got the two hours long one.

After labored breathing and what it seemed like the beginning of a painful death, the doctor got the tissue out succesfully. I was relieved the procedure worked and we didn’t have to deal with the worst case scenario; a hysterectomy.

My body did what I didn’t think it could. The amount of pain I felt was beyond giving birth, breaking a bone, or anything I’ve ever felt. When my adrenaline started to fade away and my body started to feel all the after effects of it, it decided to give me a break by fainting. My amazing husband acted in a timely manner and helped me out as best as he could. I woke up to his beautiful eyes and I felt peace.

The discharge was quick, and the ride home painless. I am thankful for how far medicine and technology has come. It has saved my life.

Going throught this experience and knowing the posibilities of it happening again would traumatize even the strongest women. Would I have kids again? yes, yes I would.

To be honest, my husband and I had such desire to be pregnant and such a hard time conceiving, that I would go through as much as my body could take to be able to grow even more as a family. Our Lilly has been nothing short of amazing and the best blessing. Doing this and powering through for her has been a journey I will never forget. I have grown as a mother, daughter, wife, and human being. My limits have expanded and I’ve finally found my strength.

When It Rains – ER #1

When It Rains – ER #1

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I feel like everyone at some point, if not many times in their life, has dealt with a bad situation that transpires into many more before it gets better. Maybe together we can share our experiences and grow! Here are mine…

ER TRIP #1

Two weeks after giving birth, everything felt quite normal. Vaginal bleeding was regular, cramping and pain was not bad. I was enjoying the routine I had with pumping and sleeping and eating. To be honest I was taking care of myself more than i’ve had in many years. It felt good.

The beginning of the week strolled by and things got worst. I was visiting Lilly at the NICU and while having some skin to skin time, I started to feel quite lethargic. I called the nurse and let her know that I wasn’t feeling too good and that I wanted to put Lilly back in her incubator. She helped me out and took care of her for me.

I was hungry and a little sweaty and thought that finding some food would be beneficial for me. I was wrong. The walk from the NICU to the cafeteria seemed like the longest and most difficult walk of my life. My head was spinnning and it felt like I had a UTI. I was worried and I called my mother to let her know that I needed to head to an urgent clinic.

When we arrived, I was having such a hard time walking that I had to use a wheelchair. They did some tests and determined that it was a UTI, but something else wrong, enough to make the doctors send me to an ER. My mom drove to the hospital and I got admitted with sepsis (a life threatening infection) in my uterus. My family and I spent the entire night from Monday to Tuesday getting treatment.

Treatment wasn’t easy. I had many speculum exams, ultrasounds, I.V. fluids, and pills to take. Before I was discharged they did a COVID-19 swab to top of the amount of pain I was in. In between all of this, I had to find time for pumping. My breasts were rocks and massaging those lumps hurt like no other.

The biggest blessings were knowing I had gotten the best treatment posible, my amazing family showed nothing but support and love, and my strenght was more than what I thought I had.

The story didnt stop there though, and it only got worse…

The First Trimester

The First Trimester

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 1 Comment

I honestly thought it wasn’t that bad… up until it was.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we could not believe it. I had started to take some medicine and vitamins to help with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. I didn’t think that my body would take to it so well, but it did!

We had spent the past six or so months trying and trying to get pregnant. We used up most of our money on pregnancy tests, fertility lube, and ovulation and pregancy strip tests. It was nerve wrecking and stressful, which is the opposite of how conceiving should be. We were just trying our best.

We were hesistant to get excited since our previous experience had been a little traumatic and hard to get over. The thought of having a little one quickly filled our hearts and without wanting to, we felt so much joy!

To be honest with you, sometimes it was hard to actually feel pregnant and find some sort of connection with the little one we were hoping to meet in eight-ish months. My pregnancy symptoms finally started to show up and all of my worries and doubts melted away.

Ceasar salads, chicken noodle soup, a goldfish crackers.

There was nothing else my body would consume. Even water was hard to swallow. My experience with food aversions was horrible. It was so hard to see, smell, and even think about any other types of food without insantly throwing up or gagging.

I lost nearly twenty pounds and developed Anemia. Pedialyte became my best friend as I was severily dehydrated, so much that I had to go to an urgent care and get two bags of I.V. fluids. It didnt even take that long for my body to suck those down.

My mood started to vary depending on what my nose could pick up that day (which was quite a lot), and my appetite decided to remain the same throughout the entire trimester. UGH..

It was not always bad.

My husband and I had so much fun planning how to share the news with our family and friends! We enjoyed this new sense of intimacy as we realized that the baby that was growing in my belly, was conceived with so much love and hope. We already loved our little one.

NICU Week 1

NICU Week 1

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 2 Comments

What a bittersweet time. Seeing you baby girl learning to breathe, eat, and regulate her body temperature inside of a little incubator is heartbreaking and so rewarding at the same time.

I cried every day that I walked into the room when my husband and I visited our little one, and delivered some breast milk. Some tears came from the crazy amount of guilt I felt after seeing her there, all hooked up with wires and a respirator. Some other tears sprouted from knowing she made me a mom and I could not be luckier to have a great team taking care of such a special little angel. Regardless, there were always tears involved.

Our little one surprised us Daily! After two days of being in this world, she came off of the respirator and graduated to a CPAP at the highest level possible to help her breathe. At five or so days, she no longer needed the photo light therapy to help her decrease her bilirubin levels. Her CPAP level decreased (meaning she is breathing on her own without so much help) and she was tolerating her feeds without any throw up. Her belly is getting used to my milk!!!

She has opened her eyes and started getting fussy. We are so in love!

Yesterday, at one full week of being outside of my tummy, she graduated from micro preemie diapers to regular preemie diapers! She pooped almost in our hands as we were changing her diaper and we could not have been prouder!

Now I know all these might seem like nothing to some, but to us every little achievement and goal reached is a giant milestone; a step closer to taking her home healthy, chunky, and happy.

Most days I wake up and feel the emptiness of my home. I was expecting to be woken up by a crying baby or the smell of a dirty diaper. Instead, I wake up because my breasts are way too full and I HAVE to pump or because the pain of missing my newborn babe hurts too much.

If there is one thing that I could take from this week, is how thankful I am for a village that takes care of me and my family. My mom traveled form afar to care for me during and after birth, and my in laws spent the entire time sending food and art supplies. My dad and sister have shown nothing but support and our friends have done nothing but send good vibes and offered help.

Having a village is so very important, and if you don’t have one don’t worry, I can be your village.

Next week we hope to grow emotionally as much as she has physically! our little feisty warrior has become a beacon of light for anyone she has met so far.

The unspeakable pain

The unspeakable pain

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 1 Comment

One afternoon, and after trying to conceive for a while, my husband and I where laying in bed relaxing after work. Something happened that changed our lives. An amazing amount of pain surged through my abdomen and I started bleeding. It was a type of pain I will never forget.

My poor husband can tell anyone what an awful experience it was for both of us. Two hours into what felt like my stomach, back, and lower abdomen were going to fall off for good, and the pain and crying finally stopped. We had no idea what was happening until later.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that miscarriages are so painful? why didn’t anyone warned us that it was a posibility? why is this such a taboo topic? and why us?

We set up an appointment with an OBGYN near us and I got a check up to see what was going on. Sadly, it was confirmed that I had had a miscarriage or non-viable pregnancy. Probably didn’t make it past the first 2 weeks. They also told me that I had PCOS and that it would be hard for me and my husband to conceive. I felt guilt, and anger, and more than anything, I felt so sad. we had been trying and trying and trying.

It took about three months for my body to fully heal and about half a year to forgive and love myself again. My husband was nothing but patient and loving, and I am beyond thankful for this man in my life. After much thinking and with all the courage we didn’t have before, we decided to try again with some help.

The OBGYN became our best friend.

Not Knowing

Not Knowing

by Diana Lindsley ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My husband and I got married in 2018 and knew that we wanted to start a family rigth away. We had been together for over 4 years prior to getting married, and our baby fever cought up with us faster than we thought!

Trying to conceive seemed like something so easy and fun. Theres no way we could mess that up! besides, we love each other so much, that our love will do the rest…. so I thought. Not once did I imagine that it would bring heartache and loss, or frustration and anger.

They (schools, parents, doctors, etc.) don’t really teach you much about procreating or starting a family and some of the barriers that you, as a person, could come across with.

Not knowing this information really set us back and gave us a lesson to remember. Most importantly, it allowed us to grow as a couple and as individuals. Although it was really disheartening, I would not change our experience for anything in the world.